Jotting down a thought I will hopefully find myself able to expand upon later.
The comings and goings of a fetish or obsession of sexual nature that is all consuming one day and then almost non-existant the next. This is not a libido thing I don't think, more of a psychological 'jerk'.
Like any nervous tick or such thing it is impossible to control 100% of the time and some days far worse than others.
My preoccupation with this lies in the urgency the desire. It is something that demands satisfaction in a far greater way than hunger, which if ignored, placates itself at least for a while. There is no escaping a fetish with a tight grip on you. It is something which is a constant battle to resist and I imagine the pressure if it is a socially unacceptable one is almost unbearable when the thought is upon one.
Currently I am experiencing such a thing, the timing is abismal and it is everything I can do to function in a quasi-normal way. My hope is that it will resolve itself if I keep repressing it and leave me be.
Is this how a paedophile or rapist might feel? Is it possible that it is the same lust for pleasure - all be it a pleasure which is destructive for others - that drives them as the desire which drives me now?
How far do we resist temptation and to what end is it our duty to resist ourselves if there is a negative consequence for another human being?
If my fetish is distasteful to others but does not directly harm them, I feel I have the right to parade it to my hearts content (consider the implication sustained here with the ideology of 'Gay Pride') but is that actually the way society is structured to work or is THIS feeling of necessary repression merely a product of over assuming parenting and no background in stage schooling which encourages children free expression?
This leads me to question where my duty to society ends and my duty to myself begins; and then again to question if I have those dual priorities in the right order!
This is a blurt of thoughts with no order and should be given the credibility of such ramblings but I intend to persevere with my opinions until I have formulated a clear one.
I should probably do the same with my opinion on capital punishment as that topic comes up quite frequently and whilst I fight what I THINK is my corner, I am not 100% sure that it is really what I feel.
More later.
